So its been a very long time since i've blogged and a lot has happened to say the least. In 2010 I turned 21 and had the flu for my birthday i didn't even get to enjoy celebrate it. Went on a cruise with Max and loved every minute of it.
And then...this year happened which has been the worst year compared to me losing my grandpa.
At the end of January Max broke up with me and to say the least i am outcasted with all his friends because im a "downer" ....they could just be honest with me you know and i wouldn't have to find that out through a mutual friend. Nope instead they choose to ignore me and then wonder why i get pissed and fed up with everything. Oh to answer the question max had said he was "bored" and generally "unhappy" with our relationship for two months and every time he said "i love you" to me...it was...a lie ....yeahhh so lately i've been trying to better myself have fun learn to smile again and every night it ends in me crying wishing for the old days back. Because the group i used to see EVERY weekend (no exageration) for the past 4 months (prior to jan) hasn't even given me the time of day to explain myself or even see the me that only one person has taken the time to know. Nope.
I have never felt more alone than now. And the worst part. I still love him with every ounce of blood in my body. All i think of is him, all i want is him and i know what people are probably thinking...why would you want to be with that person after all of this. the most i can say is...if you haven't ever been in love and thought you were going to Marry that person one day and it just crashes that you aren't going to marry them (grant it things can change and i don't think our story is over but for now this is the fact) it just hurts like hell to not have that person in your arms, to be able to talk to them whenever your upset...yeah you wouldn't understand. To party with them to fall asleep and wake up next to them, travel and everything else. It hurts possibly worse than death of a loved one, because at least you know that they aren't with someone else and that your probably the last person they loved, where as if the person you love is still alive and just doesn't want to be with you right now and acts like an ass every time you talk, it stabs you in the heart over and over and over again as if it happened yesterday. its been almost 3 months since the break up and yeah i am better than the first week obviously which included no food at all because of loss of appetite. but all i want to do is see him and i know if i even tried it would be a horrible attempt ending in a fight of some sort. i don't get it how can a person go on knowing there is someone completely head over heels for them and still try to find something more? what more could a person want especially when we live in a world where half of us are lucky to even have someone remotely interested in them rather than for money or sex.
On the upside we are talking ...kind of...i forgot to mention we formed another paintball team called VIKING MILITIA (if anyone is reading this look us up or join NORTH EAST PAINTBALL ALLIANCE on facebook) ...he is a captain, and I am the secretary, my bro is the captain too and we have 3 other captains, one of which is max's friend who also scarcely talks to me and recently got in a disagreement with....so yeah when we first broke up i made it clear im not leaving, and he isn't either...I personally put in two much time and money into this team including making all the team shirts by hand so they're nuts if anyone thinks im going to leave. and max was a founder along with the reason why more than half of us even play paintball to begin with. We do have an agreement and for my sake i hope he sticks to it. We are not going to bring around any new flings to the field. odd agreement i know but i think i can deal with playing on the same field as him but if i ever saw him with someone else you might as well shoot me now...and not with a paintball gun.
its not like i don't have friends, i have a few people that have been keeping me sane as best as possible ....i just...never hang out with them. schedules clash, a couple of them live hours away and some just make up reasons to never chill...so if i don't travel out of new york to see people, chances are im gunna have a weekend that is much like this one...me sitting at home alone until 3-4 am blogging .....and no i am not going to a bar by myself lol. and no one will go with me
its just...when your used to a routine week....school...work school and then come friday - saturday your trashed for almost 24hrs straight and sunday your recovering and you just constantly see a group of people for months...you tend to miss it and i think its wrong people think im a downer ...yeah right now im still a bit depressed....3 year relationship is kinda long, some people get married within the first year! let alone just be bf and gf for 3!!!!! i think i have a right. anyways
if anyone actually reads this just help me out, give me advice and if you write "just forget about him" i will delete the comment because as hard as you can you can never forget someone that has impacted your life sooo much that pretty much the way you act daily and things you do for fun is because of that person....you can't just forget them...it doesnt happen....
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